Who Am I?

In church a couple weeks ago we watched a video. It was called "Name" and it was by a pastor from Michigan named Rob Bell. The back story of the video is the story of Jacob from the bible. At this point Jacob is wrestling with an angel and after fighting all night, the angel wants Jacob to let him go, but all Jacob wants is a blessing from him. To that, the angel says..."What is your name?"Pastor Bell explains that, in that time period, your name means everything. It is who you are. It is your reputation. Before this, Jacob tried to get his brother, Essau's birthright by lying to their father. So, by the time the angel asks Jacob his name, he's been through a slight identity crisis.

In the video there are people wearing shirts with words that describe them. Some are good like...listener, kind, artist..., but some aren't as good...: HIV+ (depending on your perspecitve, I guess), addict, anorexic, bankrupt, etc...

This video got me thinking. Who am I? What am I doing? Ultimately, I always ask... Why?Ok, let's see... I am a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a banker, a college graduate, a volunteer, etc... But, are any of those things who I really am? Does any one think I am trustworthy, friendly, nice, hard working, etc...? I would like to think so, but ultimately what others think should not affect me. But, I guess it does. My ex thinks I am worthless and tries to tell my kids that. But, they don't fall for it. That's good... My brother gets mad when my kids defend their dad, but that's not his concern. Both of these scenarios bother me, though. I just want to feel like I fit in somewhere. I see people all over that seem to get all the breaks. Jealousy doesn't really get into this, but I'm sure there is a bit of that too. There are lots of people that have more money than I, but money isn't everything. Maybe I am just under some sort of black cloud some days. There are days when it's sunny, but then the cloud rolls in. I have a tendency to be depressed, but not as often as I used to. PMS rears its ugly head, but it passes. I try to let things roll off my back, but some days its hard. As far as what I do in my current career, I am known in my community. I live and work in the same town I grew up in. Many people I deal with in a business capacity I have known for 30 years or more. I am president of the schools band booster club, some of the parents I went to school with or they also graduated from the same school. I have ties and connections. The people I work with in the firehall I have known for 30 years and I grew up with their kids. I am getting my kids involved in the community also. But why do I feel like the bad guy sometimes? Can one person really affect me this badly? Well, it's time to defeat that person....even if it is just in my own mind...